Metroid Other M trailer

07Mar10

Okay watch this shit. And I don’t mean shit colloquially as in “Shit son, I got shitfaced last night and tapped that shit.” No, I use it literally. I mean poop. Watch this poop. On the screen. Screenpoop.

That’s an intro cinematic for the new Metroid game to be released on the Wii this summer. “But Kai,” you’re thinking. “That doesn’t look bad at all. In fact it makes every other Wii game look like E.T. for the Atari viewed through a lens made through the most muddy feces while wearing beer goggles. Well, yes it does, thank you for the comment. I’ll excuse your ignorance.

Well, maybe not THAT bad.

For those of you just joining us sometime in the past generation of videogaming because your ‘girlfriend’ bought Wii Fit for ‘exercise’ or because you like to ‘pwn n00bs’ in Halo, let me drop some old-school knowledge on your ass. You don’t get to see Samus’ face. When you do get a glimpse of the Marlyn Monroe of videogaming, you’re certain nothing could ever come close to her, partially because it’s 5 am and you just spent 50 hours getting every last fucking missile upgrade so the stingy bitch (I don’t mean that. I love you, Samus) will let down her hair. Don’t you EVER even THINK about seeing her curves. It’s not gonna happen. Pervert.

So what’s this now? Not only does this cinematic fuck with her ethereal beauty by turning her into an androgynous Final Fantasy character, it destroys the mystique. Unless what they’ve just shown us is the 100% in 30 minutes, full clear cutscene, everyone’s gonna see her as just an average-looking blonde woman, which she is anything but. She’s not a human; she’s a heroin! She’s mother-fucking Joan of Arc, Wonder Woman or River Tam – in space.

Okay, the last one didn't make sense.

We don’t need nor want her to be a real, relatable human being. Frankly, I thought her journal in Metroid Fusion was just plain annoying. I like my heroins aloof and untouchable. I blame Brawl for exposing her to the mainstream videogamer. Before then, if you wanted a picture of Samus sans suit, you’d have to beat a Metroid game very quickly and very thoroughly. Now all you gotta do is pick up a Wii and put in the disk. I miss the good old days.

Do we need a voice over? Do we need a backstory for her? The games have always been spectacular about driving whatever story through scanner-read lore and environments. We didn’t need fucking motivation to get the Spider Ball. We wanted to climb walls. Do we need to see Mario go through pueberty to understand the extent of his relationship with Peach? NO. Do we need to hear Link’s inner monologue telling us that Navi is annoying? NO.  Do we need to see a short-haired, Japanese Samus having relationships with other humans? NO. I need to see her kicking Space Pirate ass with a fucking ice beam and the double jump.

It’s like poker. Flirt, Samus. Don’t lay your hand out for all to see. It devalues and deflates your appeal. To quote boyhood idol Calvin, “one more nostalgic piece of my childhood goes PBBBHHTT.” Oh well. At least I’ll always have Sonic.

Wait... this can't be real... this can't be.... NOOO! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!

That’s not that I’m not gonna buy the game. The more I see about the gameplay, ooooh it looks excellent. It’s got that 3D, but really more 2D look. I dunno how the more action-focused gameplay is gonna work out, but I’m picturing Street Fighter meets Resident Evil 4. In space. If it’s anything like the rest of the series, I’m sure I’ll get over the stupid cutscene. But I won’t be happy about it. And that’s not some real shit.

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